If someone had asked me to define life then I would say it is the time spent between birth and death. And if someone had asked me what it is to live life then I would have said that to breathe. If breathing is to live then what is to die then my answer would have been that cessation of breathing will be end of life. Things would be so easy if meaning of life was defined by just breathing in and breathing out and death means the cessation of breathing. But little I knew that my view of life and death would change with the incident in my life.
My father passed away on Dec 30th 2007 and I am still trying to cope up with the thought that he is not here with me in this world and become part of a better world now. He was my life. I loved him to the extent that I always told my mother that I love him more than I love you and she knew that it is indeed a truth. I remember all those things he has done for me all these years and I always thought that he was amazing and very supportive. Even the little things like an advice or quality time spent together I cherished and secretly admired.
I remember till the very end when he was diagnosed with Cancer, and he was admitted in the hospital, he told me never to cry in life and to feel sad for one's death as it inevitable, and one should mourn only for a day and one should then move on with life. And he was referring to his own death and I thought that was amazing. He was that kind of strong person, pretty much all his life. The day he passed away, I was in the ambulance with him from hospital in Pune to on our way to home town, Nasik. The journey was around 5 or more hours and I was sitting on one side and his body on other side. Next to me my best friend Ashu was sitting. I owe her big time as she was of great support in these difficult times especially being with me in the ambulance that ride home and her supportive hand on my head and patting on my hand. She was holding me and I was holding my dad and his body was all wrapped around in white sheet from head to toe. Whenever I felt lonely I was holding his leg and felt the strong muscles he had and felt good that he was still there for me. We reached home in the evening around 7 PM. Outside our house, there were several hundred people had gathered waiting for our arrival. And there after few hours later, I had to go to the cremation ground to do all the last rituals. All these people followed us to the cremation ground. I thought these many people had gathered with such short notice and I realized that he was quite popular amongst his friends and patients. I was much stronger at that point and did everything as I was instructed by cremation assistant attendant on duty. Next day we had to go there again to collect the ashes and bones & ritual is to drop that in the holy river, Ganges. Ten days later there was another small ritiual (pooja) on banks of river, Ganges & we family members and close friends gathered for that.
Now that he no longer exist, I cannot see him. The way for me to heal and cope up with the pain is to remember him all the time. I used to sleep at home with his blanket covering me. I still do wear his sweatshirt which he wore; sit on his favorite chair where he used to sit most mornings and evenings at the clinic. I always loved him a lot and did not want him to suffer at the end and he was lucky that he was diagnosed with Carcinoma and had to be in the hospital for only 10 days and did not suffer like what other people go through with Cancer, And he didn’t have to go through Chemotherapy treatment as it would have been very painful and hard to cope up with his weak heart condition. He was told by doctors in cancer hospital that he had at the most 6 months to live if he was to live.
For me the definition of death has certainly changed now. One does not die by just cessation of breathing. One always lives in one's thoughts as my dad is still there for me in my thoughts and for those who loved him. I still don’t know how to react to someone saying that they are sorry to hear about my father passed away. I say it’s ok and I just acknowledge it, as I don’t know what to say. For me I still see him alive inside me and feel that way every moment of time. I still can see him, feel him talk to me, hug me, hold me, kiss me, be there for me always so he is still there for me.